


john i need to talk to you

by eggshits



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Medication, Self-Harm, Therapy, implied suicide, suicide note
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-09
Updated: 2015-07-09
Packaged: 2018-04-08 11:01:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4302276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eggshits/pseuds/eggshits
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A familiar ping rings in your ears and you glance down at your phone only to find a pester chum notification. </p><p>-- turntechGodhead [TG] has sent file.19823 to ectoBiologist [EB] -- </p><p>You take your earbuds out and unlock your phone, downloading the file and opening it up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	john i need to talk to you

john i need to talk to you  
its unusual though  
that im doing this i mean  
instead of actually talking to you i know its really fucking weird  
but bear with me here egbert ive got some pretty important shit to say even though you might not believe that  
um  
i just didnt want to get online for pesterchum  
i felt like youd convince me to stay and i dont  
i dont want that i need to go i really do and thats not something i can change  
i know that ive talked to you i know i have and youve told me loads of shit about how much youd miss me and   
and youve  
you gave me a lot of reasons to live  
but i feel like there comes some times where i cant believe what youre saying and i cant let myself feel so safe around you  
i love you john i really do youre so fucking important to me i swear  
i just cannot do this i cant its too hard and everything is getting really overwhelming and i havent been talking to you at fucking all about this  
you told me to keep talking and to not keep secrets but i cant do that i cant be honest with you and im so sorry  
its not that i dont trust you or anything its just this part of me that wants to drown myself and keep me locked up and sad and shit shit im so sorry john   
you were always so positive and you above all others had your shit together  
fuck god this isnt happening is it  
no it needs to  
it needs to happen i need to do this  
god john im hurting this hurts this hurts so much   
everyday is a real struggle you know   
days used to be tolerable even though i didnt feel good at night   
i was fucking able to survive and now i cant because silence is so so deafening  
i cant keep quiet anymore john  
i know more than anything that i want to scream about how much i want to die and i want to go to the most populated city on earth just so that i can make people hear the echo of a gunshot or something i want to do something  
i want people to break out of their shitty little worlds and hear the shit im going through  
god fucking damn it god damn it i know i know im crazy im insane im not thinking straight but i need to do this  
i cant keep up the burning and the scratching because its not working  
it doesnt hurt enough john i really need this  
but i need you to know that even if you dont get it and you dont understand why im doing this  
i love you  
i do and i have never stopped and i know im gonna hurt you but i love you i love you so much  
were never gonna kiss again and were never gonna   
i  
john i am so sorry  
im selfish and worthless and im greedy for needing this   
i love you and you love me but im never going to make it   
the meds arent working and they just make me tired and bloated and the therapy is only an excuse to cry every fucking week jesus christ im so weak im so sorry  
please forgive me  
do what you need to do to move on fuck im so sorry im sorry that im so needy and fuck i love you so much but i have to hurt you like this  
please let everyone know that i love them and i love you and im sorry for keeping this from you for so long  
i know ive been lying and i know you guys havent caught on  
but ill fucking miss you and i need to do this i have to  
john i love you more than anything but i cant stay  
im hurting john im so sorry i cant do this  
please be happy i want you to be happy  
please smile   
i love you so much 

dave strider

**Author's Note:**

> there will be a day when i don't write about suicide   
> today is not that day


End file.
